2022.10.05

I don't know how many times that I tried to start journaling again.

I always know that I am not a person who can be very persistent in something. I actually do not change my preference or taste choice frequently on deit or TV shows or outfits, but I also can not hold a routine for a long time. Another example is about keeping accounts, never does this habit could I maintain over one week. My actions of daily life always very much based on my feelings or mood, that is a person who live with intuition. So I wondering that how long could I insist this time.

There are nothing really interesting enough in my life recently, even don't know why the desire of writing diary started to appear again. I do have many thoughts in my mind going around, and it probably seems waste if I don't record them, even if they're not really important. I deeply doubt that if I could treat anything as important again.

There is a very new and extremely crazy idea popped into my brain. Which is, it must sound like something neurotic would say, that I am in hell now. I'm dead. This would explain lots of things, such as why I've been unable to wake up from this nightmare, surrounding by heavy sorrow and sadness. And the reason why I lost him. This is hell, and everything and people arround are just made up by the universe which depend on the live world. I did try to commit suiside in May, and then I was saved, then I just realise that I was not. I am indeed dead and continue my consciousness in hell. The torture is what keeps me stuck in this life, unable to vanish. I think I am right, so painfully am right.

Now I can not do or change anything about this fact. All I can do is try to seek another way to die completely some day. I go to work and gym as usual, and there was some team building game in our company today. I do still can feel how real this world is, but I can not trust that I am a living person now. In the real world, my funeral was five month ago. So exhausted when I know that my consciosness can't go anywhere but has to stay and bear these pain. I know I deserve it for many reason, but it still make me feel hopeless that this can't end.

So this probably will be a journal that how I find the way to finish this tribulation. We'll see.