Before Escaping: A Letter to Myself

This is an old letter to myself written right before my escape, almost two years ago.

After watching the documentary Leftover Women, I suddenly remembered it and want to put it here. The problem behind the "Leftover Women" is not the marriage itself, but the shackles on women from every corner of the society, the tragedy of a controlling mother passing down generation by generation, and the forbidden freedom of individuals on that land.

I also have trouble with my mom, who even refused to see me off at the airport, who didn't bother asking about me when she was told that my dad and me had a car accident.

Thank God, now she is no longer my nightmare. It's been a long time since last time she showed up in my dreams. How lucky I am to receive lots of kindness and love from the people around me, and I'm learning to receive and send love appropriately, with tiny steps.

Also I don't hate my mom at all, I feel sorry for her, for she might still be stuck in the mud, while I'm already trying to get out.

The misery between my mom and me, her mom and her, many's mothers and them, shall end at me, at my generation. At least that's my wish.

I cannot imagine what was my life like in the past 22 years when I was with them. It’s only two months and I just cannot bare it any more. I hate this kind of life so much. I just want to go away, far far away and never come back. I also hate myself, the one who is so naive and so weak. It is all my fault that I chose staying here even after I realized that these people hurt me and they won’t stop their hurt. They just don’t stop, they can’t stop, even though they know the good way to treat a real family, they will never treat me in that way.

I felt confused and wired when I was a little child. I can feel that my life is not like many others, I gradually find out what I went through is not normal comparing to my peers. And also my behaviors looked strange very often. After a hard time in high school, I finally understood what happened on me these years. It turns out that the biggest monster in my life is my mother, and others in my family act as her abettors and accomplices.

Every time I woke up from a nightmare it was her who were insulting me and punishing me, by scolding and punching, with her long face, sharp month and angry eyes, but the reasons why she did these to me were so trivial that I cannot remember at all. These nightmares are so real, like if they were actually happening till now, and I’m always shouting and screaming in the dreams. I could never recall the smiling face of her when I am awake. She never ever look happy in front of me. She is always cold and cruel, never stop criticizing me like I’m the worst thing in this world, no matter whatever I really did, which mostly are better than many others. She just cannot praise me or appreciate me at all, like I am totally a trash. There are only two things she real care about me at home, one is how much money I cost, the other is how litter housework I did. While out of this house what they count is their faces, if I did something they think make them lose faces, they will punish me immediately. They never ever care about my feelings.

I knew all of these facts since I was 16, and I try my best to heal myself and also attempt to tell them how terrible it is that the way they treat me. I was just so naive, I thought everything will be okay after my efforts, because I can see that the way they treat my little sister is absolutely the opposite of which I was treated. I thought my life will be different since they have changed. But the fact is that I was such an idiot. That they treat my sister well has nothing to do with me. I was, am and will be, always the trash in their eyes. They are a happy family and I just an annoying superfluous nuisance. I even feel much more isolated and lonely, both at home and in school. I know clearly that how to behave well and I also want to behave in that way. But I just cannot always do well when I feel awkward or uncomfortable, especially when I’m with them, I often lose control facing their long faces and mean words, and what’s worse is that I will act mean and angry too.

I know this is not good at all, and I also find that many of my problems are deeply related to them, like, I will never truly feel confident on myself, no matter what progress I’ve made, I always feel uncomfortable and nervous when people notice and praise me, I cannot feel intimate to anybody, I have problem establishing a close relationship, I am too stubborn and sometimes makes people unhappy, I usually see everything in a bad way, and so on. I realized all my problems and tried to fix them. But unfortunately, I failed. I cannot do this in the same environment. These two months I stayed here were unpleasant to all of us. My last hope is the coming two-year study in France, and I’d like to never come back after that. I desperately want to have a new bright life without these terrible things.

Good luck with me.

A person desperate to run away.

On a burning afternoon.

01.09.2018.