七日書｜我的独裁父亲（双语）

My parents divorced when I was eight. I lived with my father. He was a man with masculine look, and even more masculine his words were. He trained me like a soldier. Talking to him was akin to reporting to a superior in the army. This awe of him forced me into silence and fostered my habit of reading. Library became my refuge, where I could both escape from him and his reproaches about me hanging out aimlessly.

我父母在我八岁那年离婚。我跟父亲住在一起。他是个阳刚的男人，他的语言更阳刚。他像训练士兵一样抚养我。跟他讲话就像跟部队的上级打报告。对他的敬畏使我被迫沉默，也养成了读书的习惯。图书馆成了我的避难所，在那里我既能躲避他，又能躲避他对我在外面鬼混的责骂。

However, living with my father was not all bad. During my elementary school years, when he was still single, my father often went on dates with different women. He liked to take me along, and his dates were often single mothers with children. Being an only child, I enjoyed making friends with those peers. It was a mutually beneficial business; he used me to garner compassion, and I used him to garner affection. We both escaped the awkwardness of living with each other.

然而，和父亲住在一起也不全是坏事。在小学期间，父亲还单身，他经常和不同的女人约会。他喜欢带上我，而他的约会对象经常是些带着孩子的单亲妈妈。作为独生子，我喜欢和这些同龄人交朋友。这是一笔双赢的买卖，他利用我博取同情，我利用他获得友情。我们都逃离了与彼此独处的窘境。

But it could not last. Unluckily, my father was lucky enough to meet his lifelong partner in my middle school years, ending his playboy lifestyle. If you have met my stepmother, you would know how much my father profited from this marriage. On the contrary, his profit became my debt probably for life. I didn't like my stepmother's son, nor did I like her other relatives; our values clashed. We were much like Marxist anarchists and conservative libertarians.

但好景不长。不巧的是，父亲恰巧在我读初中时遇见了他的终生伴侣，结束了自己的浪子生涯。如果你也见过我的继母，你就会知道我的父亲从这段婚姻中能赚取多少利益。相反，他的收益成了我的债务，可能要背负一生。我不喜欢继母的儿子，也不喜欢她的其他亲戚。我们的价值观分裂，很像马克思主义的无政府主义者和保守派的自由主义者。

Since then, I have pretended to live a sane family life. I pretended to go home sanely every day, get along sanely with my stepbrother, grow up sanely under my stepmother's care. Only when I was alone did I feel insanely relieved.

从那以后，我就假装过着正常的家庭生活。我假装每天正常回家，与哥哥正常相处，在继母的关心下正常成长。只有当我独处时才感到异常轻松。

Now, I haven't been in contact with my father for three years. While partly due to his tyrannical rule over the territory of the family, I also recognize he is not always tough. I once heard him lamenting to his mother about his absence in the only family photo they had, taken before his birth, and it still weighs heavily on him to this day. It suddenly occurs to me that maybe every domineering dictator is inwardly a cheerless child deprived of love. So how can I blame my pitiful father for just trying to counteract his feelings of abandonment?

现在，我已三年没有与父亲联系。部分是因为他在家庭领土内施行暴政，但我也明白他并非总是强硬。有一次，我听到他向他的母亲诉苦，说自己没有出现在他们家唯一的全家福上，那张照片拍摄于父亲出生之前。他至今都对此事耿耿于怀。我突然意识到，也许每个专横的独裁者内心都是一个悲凉的小孩，他们缺少关爱。所以说，我又怎么能去责备我那可怜的父亲，只因他尝试消除自己的被抛弃感？