剖面：為什麼會喜歡一個人

是不是所有關係的起滅，都可以扣回自我的部分？有沒有它單純存在的因由？我們是為什麼會喜歡一個人？能否理性辨清？很多時候，或許我也只是為了去合理化或消減事物存在的因由。因為我的對對錯錯，比起自己心的導向要強得多。像你會努力的說服自己，有些感情是不應該，而去壓制它的流動。有些相遇很美，而說不清來由。是什麼吸引了我的心，讓人情難自控、偏離自己所選的軌道？

我自然是有我所想的。像是讓自己沉在那些從沒得到過的自我體驗裡。那些年少的時候，未曾真正感受過的相近，而始終落下的空白、遺憾，似是要補全缺了的一章。生命的空白，始終緊抓著我，讓我不得安寧。像我未曾活過，而只是空蕩蕩的懸在這世界。一直在邊緣，看著別人的生活上演、發生、經過，而自己與一切無關。我未曾活著。一直在逃離。 然卻像某時起，心裡會悄悄長出蠢動、萌生的渴望，you want to live your life once, like the rest of others, for once and for real. 不必然是主角，而是去感受著那些生命中未曾感受的經驗。I want to touch on the real world, touch on my heart, have experience of my very own. This I can claim self. 而不是一切只能隔著距離，像隔著玻璃上演，看得見卻無法碰觸；又或是只在自己腦海裡，搬演無數遍的想像、期盼、恐懼交加的所在，而永遠無法逸出自身。 我想要知道世界真實的模樣，別人真實的觸感。A sense of realness. Like I have been trapped in a world of my own for far too long, now that I finally come to have a chance of understanding all, I want to reach out and beyond. Like the world holds all the wonders possible for one to explore and experience, and yet I am so afraid. Is that really me? Is that where I am supposed to be? 一直往外尋，還是我只是不願意相信、面對，自己的內在是那個最終的解答，that I do know things from within? Where am I, at this junction of road? Do I know myself well enough to lead the way? I doubted, as always.

Physical experience. 像一個人孤獨久了，會開始懷疑一切的真實。也或許是各樣關係的崩塌，讓人急於想抓住什麼，作為自我存在的證明。欠缺、補償。活著，而愈感虛無，自己要攪出意外。When I feel love, I feel sex. I feel myself, of intense emotions and struggles and fights, and thereby the calm and peace that come with self-existence. Oh, I am here and need not question anything but just BE. When every internal conflicts just melt away. And you feel you are loved and belong so. Wanted. All that we could ever crave for ourselves, isn't it?

而如果你認識我，你會知道我所求更多，我在這個世界想要得到更多，我暴烈而不願意停息，我要這世界成全我！一切我所想得到、所欲存在的，如同這個世界是屬於我的、該依我的心志、聽命於我的。Will you give me the world if you have one? When the fact is you dont have one, and I dont have one either. We could only have ourselves, just that I am incapable of having me. Sometimes some people love you enough to give you themselves, time and heart and everything, this is of all treasures in the world that I could ever find and hold dear to. I just dont seem to have the same to repay them. A self that matters as much. A heart that cares enough.

So I will take it as a little escape? 自我的小小逃逸？好讓我片刻不需要去面對自身的無能、困乏。但我是一個太重的人，把任何靠近的，都誓將扯向一樣的深淵而無處藏身，失去隱藏的軀殼一般為難。低頭不是。似要把走近的人都跟自我一樣困在原地。如果我學會面對自身的重量，拉拔自己，或許我就能把來到身邊的人都放了，還他們自己所是的輕省。No one needs to pick me up as I should. 也不需要去充當彼此投射的畫布。像縱容自己弱小，讓對方得到保護的願望而自感強大。愛情遊戲，幾乎都像是雙方的角色扮演，然後我們可以滿足於自己心中所欲的「形象」？但形象註定不是真實，它就時刻考驗我們，真正想要的到底是什麼？我們是否不過在做一場各自溫馨繾綣的幻夢？因為它的本質是逃離，而非自我超脫。

為什麼會喜歡一個人，或許我是無法明暸的，許是一時半刻從對方身上看到自己的反照，或只是第一眼的感覺而已；但我是如何喜歡一個人，我還說得清。And this has so much to do with self. 本我、自我、超我。像容許自己去作一個潛意識慾望主導的幻夢。如果我容許，它會帶人到哪個意識的深處，揭露我所真正欲望的，或我所極力隱藏的，自我？ You and I, where do we lead? You know all that I can say is, I am following it a bit, to uncover some more, of everything that is not known yet. Not known to my heart. There is beauty in it, in unknown.

關於愛情，那是一場場心與腦的交戰，消融自身，幸運的，它將通向愛的降服。降於你，通向你。